"Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life." ~ Nancye Sims
I recently stumbled across this quote and it really resonated with me. Precisely because I have been living both in the past and the future simultaneously while drifting through my present days. I had hopes and dreams just like anyone else. I had a "life plan" when I was in high school. I was an over-achieving perfectionist who thought she knew exactly how her life was going to play out. Oh you silly naive little girl. I was going to join the Air Force, obtain a college degree, be married, and have 3 children by the time I was 30. Well, none of that worked how I had hoped. Have I mentioned that I'm also a control freak? Yeah. Just a bit. So I don't understand how I let so many other people control my life for so long.
I gave up. I quit my own life. I did what others asked. I tried to please those around me. I gave up my dreams, hobbies, friends. Depression set in and swallowed me whole. I knew I had to do something drastic so I started a new, fresh life. Problem is- I still lingered in my past. Constantly thinking, "wish I'd done this, wish I'd been stronger, wish I'd done that". If I'm not visiting my past I'm waiting for my future. My thoughts turn to, "when I'm done with school we'll be able to do this and that...I'll have a real life. I'll be happy then".
Then I realize that I'm 31. I have no idea how that happened. I swear I blinked and lost an entire decade! I think about how old I'll be when I finally graduate, find a job, buy a house, start a family. Then - anxiety sets in and I start thinking about how if I'd only done this and that ten years ago. Ugh. It's exhausting.
I'm pretty sure God has been shedding tears over this lost girl. I tried to control my life and lost control. I tried to plan and dictate my life and nothing went my way. I'm convinced God thought, "Wow! This girl is stubborn and seriously doesn't listen. How can I get through to her?" Well, He did. I think a cancer diagnosis was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Sounds crazy doesn't it? Some people realize they have to live each day to the fullest. Others (ehem...me) need a hardcore reminder that our next day is not guaranteed. I was given a poor prognosis and no doctors seemed to be able (or willing) to help. I was staring death in the face. I tried getting appointments at certain facilities or with certain doctors all across this country. Nothing was working. I finally gave up control. I started praying for God to just take over. Send me where you need me. He found me someone 30 minutes away. God is good. Life is good.
I need to remember that God has a life planned for me far greater than I could dream up for myself. I'm going to enjoy my days. Do something that makes me smile everyday. Try new foods, new adventures. I need to stop bemoaning my past. It is what it is. It's made me who I am today and I'm okay with that. So, this post is really just me purging. I'm letting it out, taking a deep breath, relinquishing control, and tomorrow I'm going to love with all my heart and laugh about something silly. Bring it on God- I'm listening and ready for my adventure. :)